Speechless in Mission Viejo

I'm somewhere between angry and shocked.  You know that hazy feeling that you get when you hear or see something so hard to believe, yet so awful on the same note?  That's just happened.

My husband is busy packing up the garage for our move across country-- in 3 weeks!  He is a fan of the comedy channels on satellite radio, and usually listens to "clean" comedy or at the most, the Blue Collar Comedy station.

Tonight he was listening to Bill Engvall, who happened to be on a different channel, and when the set ended there was a commercial that he honestly couldn't believe.  He actually thought is was "a joke".  Like those SNL commercials that they have that are so ridiculous.

This was no joke.

The commercial advertised Ashley Madison dot com.  An online dating site for people who are already in a relationship.  Their motto being, "Have an affair, you only live once."

He called me outside and told me about what he had just heard advertised.  I had to go in and google Ashley Madison.  It's REAL.  This company actually exists to facilitate affairs between consenting (mostly married) adults.  Their logo even has what appears to be a wedding ring as the "o" in the word Madison.  The landing page of the site shows a blurry yet fully visible view of two adults behind a hotel room door...engaging in more than just talking.

Further googling turned up the story that Ashley Madison tried to buy air time during the upcoming Super Bowl, and (thankfully) was denied.  They, not so surprisingly, also chose to use a well known (well known to some I suppose) Adult movie actress to star in the spot.

This is no joke.  These are the times in which we live.

I have so much to say, and yet... I am speechless.

Women and Pantyhose

Am I the only female in the 35-50 age demographic that actually misses pantyhose?  I know that there are many women who have voiced their exuberance at the fact that pantyhose are a thing of the past-- or now worn only by our mothers.  But, I'm here to tell you, I miss them!

I was in my brother's wedding last year, and felt almost not fully dressed without my nylons.  Of course I am part of that select group who used to enjoy wearing Leggs, back in the 80's.  Remember the egg?

Any woman who tells you that she enjoys the freedom of not having to fight with control tops is either lying to you or too thin and perfect to keep as a girlfriend!  Because I'm telling you,  every woman--at least every woman I know--wears Spanx!  If not the name brand, then a knock-off product that serves the same function:  Illusion.

Women have always loved using our gifts of illusion, right?  Make-up, haircolor, eyelashes, high heels, painted nails... There is no illusion in naked legs.  It's just real.

Now for my sisters who have a dewy or golden skin tone, I can understand why you wouldn't mind baring your legs.  But for those of us cursed with the English pale white skin-- it's not attractive.  Oh no,  please don't tell me to use one of those self-tanners.  Orange fake-bake is even worse than pale white.  Especially the streaky-orange of the back leg that is too hard to reach or the brownish- dry skin enhancing discoloration that occurs on the ankle or knee areas.

Pretty?-- No! Pretty ugly.

So tell me, please, whose idea was it to do away with pantyhose?  Some beautiful Brazilian bombshell?  An Italian beauty with her glorious olive complexion?  An African-American knock out?  It sure wasn't a girl whose ancestry came from North Western Europe.  Oh gee, I'm not referring to YOU, you Scandinavian goddesses!  I'm talking about my English, Irish, and Scottish girlfriends.  Power to the freckle, and the big-hat at-the-beach-wearing sisterhood!  You understand me, right?

I find it funny that someone along the way decided to try an appease us.  They have made high end panty hose that have the toes cut out, so we can (wink, wink) fool everyone when we wear our open strappy sandals!  Awesome idea!

Now all I have to do is get a tan on my toes!

Am I Christian--enough?

I should be packing.  There is just too much to do,and I shouldn't be sitting here writing.

But here I am.  Because what better place is there to vent about doubts than a personal blog?

Being from California, I have spent the better part of my life feeling like I didn't fit in.  I am a short, not-skinny, fair skinned, nice, brunette.  Living in the land of perpetual sunshine, tans and bikinis, I sort of always felt like the odd ball.

My high school years were spent trying to find my footing in a sub-culture that embraced habitual dating, recreational pot-smoking, and pretty much everything else glorified in the 1980's iconic movie, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".  Stuff that I didn't embrace.

I was a church geek.  I loved my church's youth group, and the parish drama team.  Our priest came to our house for family dinners and birthday parties.  I read the Bible, loved Jesus and wanted to go on mission--one day.

I dreamed of being a nurse and traveling to Africa to help people.  The missions part didn't happen... there was this cute guy that I met, and I opted to stay at home.  Isn't there always "that guy"?

With all this said, I've been blessed with many great friends!  But I just danced to a different beat!

Fast forward to present day.  I have (sort of) found my footing.  My worldview is what shapes the woman I am.  I love teaching my children about having a relationship with God; about finding out who it is God has created them to be, and about following their dreams.

Now we are moving to Nashville.  The buckle of the Bible Belt! -- And after all this time I am left wondering if I will fit in. Becoming comfortable in my own shoes means that while I love Jesus with all my heart, I can not pretend to be somebody I'm not.

But...am I Christian enough?

I like having a glass of wine or even a margarita! We "do" the whole Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy-thing.  We decorate our house with jack-o-lanterns and dress up in costume on Halloween--sometimes even scary costumes.  I have been known to occasionally use the words: crap and frickin'.   I listen to as much secular music as I do Christian music.  My kids have been in karate for years.  I love adult situational comedies like, The Family Guy.  I teach my children about creation but also teach them that there are people who believe in something called "evolution", and I teach them what it is.  I teach my children about Greek Mythology and we do great reports about the gods that this society worshipped, the whole time intertwining great pieces of literature and art work (sometimes naked subjects) into this study.

This is who I am.  And I like her.

Working in the niche of Christian media, I hear all kinds of things from my target audience that constantly make me wonder, do I even fit into this industry?

The real ADULT question is this... who am I, in Christ?  I am Lisa.  I am a child of God.  I gave my life to Jesus when I was about 16 years old.  I am confident in my relationship with Him.  And, if you want a real friend, who respects your boundaries but who also asks that you respect hers...I'm here!

Nashville, here I come-- ready or not!

This was just too funny NOT to share!

The 11 Step Program for All Those Interested in Becoming Parents:

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!